Today has been horrific and I have a headache to prove it. My card for the day from the Observation Deck was "explore the underside" as in explore the dark side of your hero, etc. I think that is the problem. I have spent the day exploring the dark side of 'my life' toooooo much. For the past two years, I have been dealing with personal issues. The only reason I bring it up in this blog is because this issue has affected so many areas of my life, even my writing. I see why I am so emotionally detatched, but just seeing it isn't going to help me. For thirty something years I hid this issue. For longer than that I dealt with physical, emotional, and mental abuse from my mother. I stuffed both these things so deep inside, when the one was exposed, it threw me in to an emotional avalanche. There are days when I'm mad, feel like crying, feel like I 'should' be able to move on and can't, and can't understand why I can't. It's frustrating. I'm a grown person now. Logically, this shouldn't be an issue for me. ARGH!
I just want to move on, which makes me crazy that I can't. I have told myself more than once, just do it. Then something will happen, someone will say something that throws me off kilter. I hate it. I hate not being in control of my emotions. For years, I have led a very ordered, very organized life. If certain thoughts came up, I'd stuff them down in a box because I couldn't deal with them. Now, like a jack-in-the-box they've jumped out, startling me, and frankly I don't know what to do with them all. I don't know how to deal with them.
It's almost like I'm living this alter-egoed life. All I really want to do is crawl in to bed and pull the covers way up over my head. It wouldn't fix anything, but at least maybe then I would have some control.
Tomorrow promises to be another manic day.
Til Then~