Compromises!
Okay, here comes the big confession. I compromise. Have all my life--especially where relationships are concerned and how I deal with them. As I said in an earlier blog, I was abused during childhood. I learned to just back off and wait for things to pass to avoid hurt-physical, emotional, sexual. It was easier to avoid confrontations than press through them.
I find I do that in my career. It was shocking for me to realize one day that I was afraid of success. For years, I couldn't believe when I heard people talking about fear of success. I knew it couldn't be me. Then one day, it hit me. I was sabatoging myself because if I was a success I would #1, have to work harder, #2 expose myself/become braver, and #3 stand up for myself. All this, while I continued to feel like a fraud and like I wasn't nor will I ever be good enough.
I know what I want, but I've always compromised. I would love more than anything to go to Paris and London. Everytime, I bring it up my husband always pooh-pooh's it. I've mentioned going on a Cruise. He doesn't want to go on a cruise, but he did buy a $28,000 fishing boat, which he used (I might add) a total of three times. That's another story.
For years, I wanted to learn how to weave and buy a loom. There were other things I wanted, but he wouldn't let me get a job. When he started complaining because I spent money to go to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned, I decided to take matters in to my own hands. I started teaching creative writing. I would continue to write my peices, but teaching allowed me to continue learning (one has to study to teach) while I earned some cash.
Today, I own four floor looms and several new computers. I pay for my own dentist bills, doctor bills, optometry expenses, even my own clothes, trips, etc. He pays for nothing of mine personally. He only pays for what he would have to pay anyway if I was here or not.
He continually gripes about my working, but I don't care. I will not go back to depending on him and when I do, he gripe about it. It has been a struggle. But this is one area I will not compromise.
I admit if I didn't teach, I would have more time to write, but one never knows in publishing. If I had a steady column, an editorial job, etc..., it might be okay. For now though, I am doing what I have to do to survive.
I do have a plan and am working toward being able to teach and write at the same time. It's a plan in progress. It will work. I know it will.
More tomorrow.
Til Then~